Monday, February 14, 2005
the last gasp of the weekend and a lady I ca't explain...
Wow, you try to do something right, and it inevitably comes back to bite you in the ass. As per usual, I will put up a good face, but this one really hurts. I tell you, if I had a few hundred bucks to spend on an airline ticket, I would do it all in person, but let's face it, for a variety of reasons; that cannot happen. So instead, I can carry this little fucking goring, galling, omnipresent itch for what seems like ever. How much can you pay for someone else's mistake? And why do people compound it and make the situation more difficult than it has to be? Fuck it man, this is exactly why I do not trust women. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that is honestly how I feel right now. Chewing on this sordid affair makes me want to vomit, or cry, or just run away to keep my sanity (or what little of it I have left.)
In the long run of course, none of this matters, and I can't prove any of this even exists. I can't define the problem, and I can't figure out how to get past it. 3/22, you are attached to me and I don't know how much more I can take before giving up and relegating myself to also-ran status. (This would be my hideous attitude coming out again. I'll surely feel better by tomorrow morning, and the wound won't seem so fresh, or at least it will clot some over night, and let me breathe a bit.) All I want to do is sleep, and this isn't helping.
I have listened to "Ventura Highway" 10 times back to back. My room is dark, the TV is quiet, and all I can think of is you. How could you not have understood??? I would have moved West in a heartbeat, but that is no longer a solution I can offer. Half of me wonders if you would follow me, and I laugh it off as fictitious and impossible. I need a cigarette. I want to scream, but there is nobody who would listen, and nobody who could understand. I want a close-door meeting with the boss, and I want bargaining rights. You just offered silence and ultimatums. No one will ever know but me, and you, and when I wake up, and shower and shave and look in the mirror, I want everything I see to go away and be replaced by something nameless and faceless, like the people I pass every day, anonymous figures moving towards gratification. I want to spit out every last mouthful of air and refill my lungs with smoke, and my nose with powder. I want my eyes bloodshot, and unable to focus. Then maybe I will be able to see again.
If none of this makes any sense, it is because there is a storm in my mind. I know deep down that I am gonna take a new path to perdition, and let the old one fallow. I am going to fall in love with someone, and we will love viciously, ready to rip each other's throat out for the privilege of proving we bleed for each other. There never was any Valentines confusion (naw, but clever comeback, that has REALLY stuck in my craw. It was all true, and so much deeper than I would EVER tell you to your face) or any of that other garbage. There is only a blank page, and the words to fill it, and the faith to stand behind those words, loyal, and ready to let everything go except the crazy love of another, the mad passion-miracle that burns fierce, and even if the light bulb dims, we will stand together, because that IS ALL THERE IS....
feeling like the last romantic,
or the first fool at the trough,
cf
"cause a free wind is blowing through your hair,
and the days surround your daylight glare
season's crying, no despair
alligator lizards in the air...."
In the long run of course, none of this matters, and I can't prove any of this even exists. I can't define the problem, and I can't figure out how to get past it. 3/22, you are attached to me and I don't know how much more I can take before giving up and relegating myself to also-ran status. (This would be my hideous attitude coming out again. I'll surely feel better by tomorrow morning, and the wound won't seem so fresh, or at least it will clot some over night, and let me breathe a bit.) All I want to do is sleep, and this isn't helping.
I have listened to "Ventura Highway" 10 times back to back. My room is dark, the TV is quiet, and all I can think of is you. How could you not have understood??? I would have moved West in a heartbeat, but that is no longer a solution I can offer. Half of me wonders if you would follow me, and I laugh it off as fictitious and impossible. I need a cigarette. I want to scream, but there is nobody who would listen, and nobody who could understand. I want a close-door meeting with the boss, and I want bargaining rights. You just offered silence and ultimatums. No one will ever know but me, and you, and when I wake up, and shower and shave and look in the mirror, I want everything I see to go away and be replaced by something nameless and faceless, like the people I pass every day, anonymous figures moving towards gratification. I want to spit out every last mouthful of air and refill my lungs with smoke, and my nose with powder. I want my eyes bloodshot, and unable to focus. Then maybe I will be able to see again.
If none of this makes any sense, it is because there is a storm in my mind. I know deep down that I am gonna take a new path to perdition, and let the old one fallow. I am going to fall in love with someone, and we will love viciously, ready to rip each other's throat out for the privilege of proving we bleed for each other. There never was any Valentines confusion (naw, but clever comeback, that has REALLY stuck in my craw. It was all true, and so much deeper than I would EVER tell you to your face) or any of that other garbage. There is only a blank page, and the words to fill it, and the faith to stand behind those words, loyal, and ready to let everything go except the crazy love of another, the mad passion-miracle that burns fierce, and even if the light bulb dims, we will stand together, because that IS ALL THERE IS....
feeling like the last romantic,
or the first fool at the trough,
cf
"cause a free wind is blowing through your hair,
and the days surround your daylight glare
season's crying, no despair
alligator lizards in the air...."
