Friday, October 15, 2004
fool in the rain...
Today was mostly a day for conversation. When I woke up this morning, I was as depressed as I have felt in the last few weeks. Hardly looking for the pill bottle, but let's just say I am glad I gave up utting, because today could have bloody...
Some days, there doesn't seem to be much I can do about being depressed. I've let a few certain people so far under my skin I should be checking for them the next time I go to the bathroom. The last two women I have been in love with...oh shite, is there a rock I can crawl under somewhere? A, you hurt me the most. You lied, and I wish you were here so I could scream at you, so I could make you answer me as to why you did this. But you'd proboly just lie to me again, and what would bet he fucking point? So you could tell me "Oh no, I ALWAYS loved you, and I never did anything wrong." Wait, why don't you send me another thank you note when I absolve your conscience for you... (and R, you were honest. You do treat guys like shit. Oh well, mysogyny LOVES company....)
Now, certainly, I am not without fault for this situation. I zigged when I should have zagged more than once, and right now, it's got me sitting at my computer, wishing I could bleed when I should be sleeping. How many sad songs can you wait through, just wanting to see the morning come? Today was a good day, ending on a far better note than it began on, but the sum total of events leaves me wondering if I am any better off now than I was yesterday. Am I one day closer to sanity? The end? Whatever is next? I don't know.
Just so any of the five poeple or so reading this understand, I am depressed, not suicidal. Besides, what's the point of commiting suicide without knowing what comes next? You might leap right out of the frying pan and into the fire! Plus, its kind of a pussy way out of shit, and I have taken the easy road enough times to know if it is easy, it usually isn't worth having, doing, saying or being.
Well, thanks to my favorite bartendress for the conversation and beer, and of course the book...I hope it makes as much of a difference as I think it will. I'm out of ideas, and it is time to find more. First day of work tomorrow, plus a paper to write, a story to finish, and Yankee ass to kick...see ya around.
cf
Some days, there doesn't seem to be much I can do about being depressed. I've let a few certain people so far under my skin I should be checking for them the next time I go to the bathroom. The last two women I have been in love with...oh shite, is there a rock I can crawl under somewhere? A, you hurt me the most. You lied, and I wish you were here so I could scream at you, so I could make you answer me as to why you did this. But you'd proboly just lie to me again, and what would bet he fucking point? So you could tell me "Oh no, I ALWAYS loved you, and I never did anything wrong." Wait, why don't you send me another thank you note when I absolve your conscience for you... (and R, you were honest. You do treat guys like shit. Oh well, mysogyny LOVES company....)
Now, certainly, I am not without fault for this situation. I zigged when I should have zagged more than once, and right now, it's got me sitting at my computer, wishing I could bleed when I should be sleeping. How many sad songs can you wait through, just wanting to see the morning come? Today was a good day, ending on a far better note than it began on, but the sum total of events leaves me wondering if I am any better off now than I was yesterday. Am I one day closer to sanity? The end? Whatever is next? I don't know.
Just so any of the five poeple or so reading this understand, I am depressed, not suicidal. Besides, what's the point of commiting suicide without knowing what comes next? You might leap right out of the frying pan and into the fire! Plus, its kind of a pussy way out of shit, and I have taken the easy road enough times to know if it is easy, it usually isn't worth having, doing, saying or being.
Well, thanks to my favorite bartendress for the conversation and beer, and of course the book...I hope it makes as much of a difference as I think it will. I'm out of ideas, and it is time to find more. First day of work tomorrow, plus a paper to write, a story to finish, and Yankee ass to kick...see ya around.
cf
